Choose.

Choose. My relatively new favorite word. Empowering. Active. Mindful.

Two years ago, one lazy summer evening on our front porch in Maplewood, New Jersey, my wife lovingly and encouragingly asked me “What’s your dream job?”

If you’ve ever held a conch shell up to your ear, there was a similar sound whooshing through my brain as I tried to answer that one.

I somewhat defensively responded, “I don’t know. It’s tough to answer that one honestly when we have to pay a mortgage, property taxes and feed/clothe three growing kids in the Northeast.”

“Well, then, maybe we should move.”

Where? I dunno.

A lower cost of living, an educated populace, easy access to a diverse urban experience and short commuting times. Affordable golf courses nearby that I could wildly end up in more branches and bodies of water than fairways, and temperate four-season weather that made being outside year round possible rather than a frozen boast of the brave. I’d also learned that I needed to be able to throw the kids in the minivan at a moments notice and drive to the ocean. After two road trips down South, lots of soul searching, no shortage of coffees and beers, and conversations long into the night, we chose to relocate to Raleigh, North Carolina. We finally decided in the summer of 2015, but we didn’t actually move to Raleigh until the kids finished school in the summer of 2016.

It’s very tough to leave a place that you love, to leave friends and family that you love even more. It’s scary to have so many more questions than answers. It’s heart wrenching to see your kids cry when you share the news about the big move and wonder if you’re doing the right thing or screwing up a perfectly good life.

Losing my Dad suddenly four months before we planned on moving added a new whole layer of pain, uncertainty, vulnerability and loneliness into our lives. My Dad’s death though, and the way in which he chose to live and love his own life, has surprisingly served as much more of a strong and steady wind in our sails rather than a ship-sinking iceberg.

The wind whispers its gentle reminder…choose.

This thing called life is a gift. A gift from God, from my mother and father, and from all those that have come before me. Do not squander this gift. Control the things that you can and let go of the things that you can’t. Learn to be ok with the grey, the unknown, the confusing and the complex, the mystery of life and love. Don’t act like you’re losing if you’re not losing. Keep trying. Keep going. One step at a time. Choose. Rest when you need to, but never, ever give up. And most importantly, love, always love. Choose love.

I have very few answers but here is what I know today. I’m so proud of each us individually and as a family for making the move and to do so with such grace. I feel even closer as a family. I’m loving this ‘underdog’ city that people are flocking to in droves because of its tradition and history, its unique balance of grit and edge with contemporary and chic, its past, its present, and its potential, intelligent, authentic, relaxed and generous community minded people, flourishing entrepreneurial spirit, thriving startups and established tech and healthcare companies too. There is no shortage of cool spots to sip on delicious coffee, local craft breweries that view each other more like competing brothers rather than enemies, down and dirty joints next to cozy cocktail and wine bars, awesome restaurants representing every ethnicity, and a wide range of concerts, music festivals, and indoor and outdoor music venues, accessible museums and theaters, and of course the warmer weather. (Note to self: Feel free to invite folks from NYC & NJ to come down and open 24 hour diners, bagel shops, pizza joints, delis and don’t forget to include some Philly peeps to start up a cheesesteak place in Raleigh)

It is hard to up and move your family. It is challenging logistically, financially, socially. It is risky to not only relocate but to also switch careers. Sidebar. I got introduced to a successful businessman here in the Triangle, and I started off our meeting by saying. “You know, some people hit their mid-life crisis and either have an affair or buy an overpriced sports car. I chose to relocate my family and switch careers instead.” His timing was impeccable as he allowed three to four seconds to pass before concluding, “I think the affair and sports car might be easier.”  It is unsettling and unnerving. I have come to realize that it is also called living. I don’t claim to be fully aware of my vocation yet but am grateful for the chance to try, to make mistakes, to do and learn, the time to be silent and to hopefully hear and listen to that voice within me, as my Dad once beautifully said-

‘a voice in here calling me to be the person I was born to be,

I’m alive. I’m grateful for my life, my family, my friends. I’m lucky to have found and married my best friend. I spent a chunk of my life wondering how people could get married and spend the rest of their lives with one person…how did they know? All I knew is that I just wanted to be with my wife, spend time with her, whatever that meant. Grab a beer? In. Go for a walk and talk? In. Hang out on the couch and watch a movie. In. It was that simple for me, and that feeling has never changed for me over the last fifteen years. I stuck with what I knew, and let go of what I didn’t and I’m proud of myself for that early wisdom. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves through the ups and downs, especially of the last year. We talk about stuff big and small all the time, and have become even more confident in our joint ability to make the best, not perfect, choices together. I’ll never forget that one phone call when I was in North Carolina and my wife was still back in New Jersey. The doubt and the uncertainty was overwhelming and I felt so defeated as I apologized for not having more answers, more guarantees, more knowns in my job search. This is what I heard back, “Remember that we chose this together. You and me. We are in this for the good and the bad together, and it will work out for the best in the end.”  Lucky, lucky man and I know it.

My kids are loving their new school and new friends while still very much missing their friends back in New Jersey. For those that may find themselves on the fence someday about relocating because they are worried about how their kids will respond, I would say, “stop.” Be honest, mindful and aware of your own fears and anxieties as well as your own hopes and dreams about moving and then choose accordingly. You are underestimating the resilience of your kids, their ability to overcome adversity and become stronger and more self confident in the process. I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn from and be inspired by our children almost daily in that regard.

I’ve realized as a parent of young kids that if we actually just listened to and heeded more of our own advice to our kids, we’d be a lot better off. ‘Ownership and accountability’ are big for us as a family and I think that ownership and accountability are very much entwined in that word choose. The other one that we spend a lot of time reminding our kids is that “Mistakes are only mistakes if we don’t learn from them.” Choose, and be ok with being wrong or looking foolish because that’s how we learn. I’m still working on that last part myself. It difficult but I’m always trying, and I promise to never stop trying.

Perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.