On January 5th, 2020 I crawled out of bed and trudged over to my bathroom scale and stepped on. After a few blips and beeps, my squinting eyes watched the flashing numbers finally settle on 244.8. Ooof.
It was what it was. It hurt but it hurt less to know what the actual number was and to do something about it than to be just thinking about it and doing nothing. I had known for a few weeks that I’d be starting my weight loss journey on that day. There was a lot of learning and uncertainty ahead of me but the only thing I was certain of was that I was done avoiding it. I was going to do my best and was going to keep trying to get a little bit better.
First few days, I simply eliminated sugar, booze, and processed foods like chips and crackers and the number quickly dropped. Drank tons of water like I usually do. 241. 239. My unrealistic dream goal for the last 20 years had been to return to my 6’2 of twisted steel and sex appeal high school weight of 195. It was such a stretch goal that I’d get frustrated and eventually give up, mistakingly thinking I had failed. Over the past few years, in an effort to be more kind to myself and be more realistic after each ‘failed’ attempt, I bumped my goal up to 200, 205, 210 and most recently 215. So my goal as I stepped on the scale in January of 2020 was 215 and it felt scary but doable. I knew that I could fit into most of clothes and be feeling good when I hit 215. Seemed like a good place to start.
On Jan 8th, I was courageously curious enough to ask two good friends that had drastically transformed their middle-aged Dad bods into sinewy studs, ‘What’s the most helpful thing you did to lose weight?’ Interestingly they both had a similar response, ‘Never eat anything past 8:00PM.’ Sounded easy enough so I started there. I made a commitment to not eat past 8:00PM the next night. Eating dinner earlier had served me well in the past so it was a nice reminder and a good concrete step. It was tough at first but nice to pick a doable thing and stick to it. The actions of confidence come first. The feelings of confidence come second. I had major hunger pangs that night around 10:00 but I miraculously survived the night and enjoyed a nice big breakfast the next day.
Feb 1st, ’20 – 232
Not bad. Felt better. Big improvement. Good for me. I got this. But truth be told, it was close to my 234 weight in November of 2019 so not really earth shattering as I look back now. At the time, though, it had made a huge difference in how I was feeling about myself and fitting into the clothes that either hadn’t fit or were super snug.
March 1st, ’20 – 231.2
Plateauing. Uggh. The easy stuff had come off quickly. March is a challenging one for my waistline anyway. Reminder of my Dad’s sudden passing. Fun birthday celebrations for my wife and daughter. St. Patrick’s Day. And usually copious amounts of wings, chips and cold beers for March Madness. Little did any of us know about the impending pandemic and life altering changes just a few short weeks away. Ruh-roh, Rorge.
March 13th, ’20. Shut it down.
Kids remote learning. Gyms closed. Libation laden Zooms with great friends on the weekends. Stress eating. This weight loss thing got a little bit more challenging.
April 1st, ’20 = 235.4
If you are trying to make a change in your life- it doesn’t matter whether it’s big or small- losing weight, getting a new job, spending less time on your phone, learning a new skill, reading more, making new friends or even getting out of bed to take a shower. My most loving advice to you and something I’ve told myself a lot over the past year is that “You’re closer than you think.”
May 1st, ’20 = 229.8
“You’re closer than you think” fills my head and my heart with an ounce of hope. A boost of confidence to try. Just enough gas in the tank to say ‘Give it a shot.” I’m often guilty of plotting things so far out and in such an unrealistic and perfectionist way that I’m often doomed before I even start. The road ahead will not be easy, short, certain, pain-free, or linear. “I’m closer than I think” forces me to come back into the present moment on this current day and get small. What can I do right now? And long-term planning is doing whatever I can do TODAY.
June 1st, ’20 = 228.6
I have known nothing but love my whole life. And encouragement. And yet I had to take an honest look at myself. I had been being more mindful. I had been reading. Exercising, Talking. Thinking. But I finally had to admit to myself that ‘I had lost my mojo, baby.’ My ‘What the hell, why not?!?’ My ‘Yea, I’m in!’ ‘I’m game!’ ‘Let’s do it!’ ‘I’ll give it a shot.’ My courage to leap and put myself out there. To try.
July 1st, ’20 = 222.8
I was speaking with a friend about how I was feeling. He shared something with me that sounds so basic but has been so personally helpful that I wanted to share it with you:
Regret and shame are based in the past and are the most useless feelings because there’s nothing you can do to change the past. Worry and anxiety are based on a fear of the future which you cannot control either. Worry and anxiety are useless too but only slightly less useless than regret and shame because at least you could potentially use that worry to fuel your actions in the present. And the present, this moment, is the only thing you can do anything about and control.
August 1st, ’20 – 224.4
He then went to share his encouragement for me to become more Self-actualizing, focusing all of my energy and actions in this present moment and letting go of wasting energy, pretending that I could somehow ever change the past and/or control the future. The capital ‘S’ acknowledges that loving spiritual force inside of me that unites us all and yet is uniquely fused with my own soul and makes me, me. The Self that tries, pushes, fails, learns, loves, helps, improves, and can act in this moment, right now.
September 1st, ’20 – 226.6
So I CHOSE to focus on Self-actualizing and trying brand new things that could help me drastically shed those unwanted pounds. With a nagging back injury, I’ve become aware of the dangers of inflammation in my body and especially my lower back. I had a sneaking suspicion that something was off with the chemical balance in my body that was ‘inflaming’ it. Now there was also a big part of me convinced that at 50, my metabolism had just upped and quit to show you how smart I am. Kept an open mind though and started reading more about how our bodies work and the sustained and elevated levels of adrenaline and cortisol coursing through a lot of our bodies. Every pick up, ding, bling, ring, swipe, like, share triggers us. Little dopamine here and there for sure which ain’t a bad thing but leaves us craving what? A little bit more instant gratification. Pick up the phone again. Triggered.
I chose to start off each and every day before I get out of bed with deep breaths. 5 of them to be exact. Big inhale through my nose for 5 seconds. Hold for 5 seconds. Breathe out for 5 seconds. Wait 5 seconds. Rinse and Repeat. Why? Because the first thing in the morning, a lot of us, myself included, are guilty of waking up and picking up our phone right away. Those 5 deep breaths tell the brain to tell the body “It’s cool baby. All good here.” The body then releases endorphins as part of the many healthy benefits of its parasympathetic response. I also made a commitment to meditate, ironically with an app on my phone called MyLife Meditation, that I only do once in a blue moon but am always grateful after I do.
October 1st, ’20 – 218.6
Starting every morning out with that deep breathing was really helping me throughout the day. I liked how I felt. More centered. More even-keeled. Paying more attention to the health and weight benefits of releasing more of the good chemicals led to one of the biggest transformations in how I approach working out.
Working out and losing weight had been inextricably linked in my mind for my entire life. Work out and eat well to lose weight. ‘I had a nice workout earlier so I’m fine eating this pizza’ or ‘I’ll work out extra hard tomorrow to sweat out those beers.’ Linked. I’ve worked out 6x a week for a long, long time and yet watched my weight creep up. Time to try something new.
I decided to mentally separate working out and eating less into two distinct paths to my becoming healthier. I chose to work out, not to lose weight, but to reduce the stress in my body, get my blood pumping and release more of those good chemicals. Nothing to do with weight.
I eat better and eat less to lose weight. That’s it. Instead of 2 slices of bread, I’d eat a half a sandwich or an open-face sandwich on high fiber bread. Overweighting the importance of eating less and eating better started to pay off, quickly. What if I started to eat dinner even earlier, like 6:00 or 6:30 and then shut it down for the night? I was hungry for 2 hours at night but during the day I was not. And it got better after a few nights. It seemed like a fair trade to losing weight and sustainable too.
I rediscovered the miracle of an open faced avocado toast dinner a few nights a week. Toast. Olive oil. Homemade guac. Maybe even a slice of cheese. Have one of those puppies at 6:30 and don’t eat for the rest of the night. String 2-3 nights of it together. I even do that now to get back on track after a gluttonous weekend night. Breakfast choices for me: Greek yogurt with honey, chia, fruit and granola. Oatmeal with honey, banana and walnuts, and Raisin Bran with fruit as a treat. Lunch: Open faced sandwich or 2 sides of an English muffin: Almond butter and jelly. Olive oil, mayo, turkey/chicken and cheese. Snack. Apple. Orange. Almonds. Nut bar. Dinner: I try to make dinner the smallest meal of the day and eat early. Veggie Chili, Veggie burger. Protein and a veggie. Have I mentioned avocado toast?
On Oct 9th I hit my goal of 215! The next day I set my new goal of 210.
On October 24th, I hit my new goal of 210. The next day I set my sights on 205.
On November 25th, I weighed in at 204.8. Crazy.
It was amazing. Even as I write this, I can’t believe it. By keeping my foot on the gas day in and day out, one day at a time, NOT by being perfect for 10 months, my body was rapidly transforming into quite an efficient furnace.
These past few months with Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, I’ve hovered between a low of 204.0 and 209.6 but truth be told, I usually give myself a day or two off from my weigh-ins after a big feast to be kind to myself. As of this piece on February 23rd, 2021 I am 206.4. And proud of it.
When I look back now, it feels like it happened almost over night WHICH IT DIDN’T which is why I so wanted to write this. To remind myself of that fact and share with you.
“I really was closer that I thought though” and so are you. My memory quickly forgot that I dropped the easy stuff quickly and then got stuck around 230. I kept my foot on the gas though. Down to 225 and hovered there for awhile. Headed in the right direction though. Clothes felt a little better. Not beating myself for not being perfect but being kind and encouraging by never making perfect the goal.
I began to get my mojo back. The why the hell not. The what else can I do. The good for me. I’ve got a few big things on my to do list but am trying and doing to put myself out there more which is what I can control. My hope and my prayer is that someone that could really use a gentle pick me up, hears these words “You’re closer than you think!” and the embers of their soul glow with all of the love infused within them. You got this!
